Sadness follows.

Things are not so easy right now. And to save on some crazy morose spewing of woe I just figured I’d just write a short entry. I have committed to myself to write here daily. And I want to write. But truth be told, anything I may write today is the kind of stuff that gets me sitting with a doctor in an emergency room trying to explain I am not a danger to myself.

Dark thoughts, sadness and hunger all sort of creep up on me sometimes. And I try to pray it away. And I take the medication and I talk to counsellors and pastors and people who say they care. But at 4:30 in the morning when no one is around it seems the only peace I can find is the thought that this doesn’t have to go on, that I can get out any time I want.

It’s tough, talking about these things. People and legislation want to err on the side of caution and so I have to be silent or very careful of what I say. Lest I wind up triggering some legal and moral issue. And that may be the great failing of this crazy beureaucratic society we live in now. One cannot openly and honestly talk about what’s inside for fear of the repercussions and misconceptions.

Someday I may take that one last step, off the ledge and into the great void. But probably not today. But I sure do feel lonely enough to think that were I to, no one but one tiny little girl would notice me missing after a little while and after the initial shock wore off of the gossip about how tragic it all was. And somehow that tells me I have failed at much more than I am willing to see. Have I alienated myself that much? Am I that far away? Why can’t I feel close to people? And why don’t they come close to me? A whole bunch of questions like that leave me feeling lost.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone really hears me anyway. Even here in this medium.

Lonely, poor and feeling mired in grief and pain. And I really don’t know what to do.

Sometimes…I just don’t think it will ever be alright again.

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3 responses

  1. Lisa Curran

    it takes alot of guts to open up your soul like that. I know what it is like to be surrounded by darkness,know how easy it is to step back into it while living in the light. People do care. I care. That beautiful little girl cares and no matter what choices you make she will always care and love you, There is one thing I know about you and that is that you are an amazing father, don’t let that slip away.Tomorrow is a new day, take it one minute at a time.

    October 8, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    • Thanks Lisa. I am trying not to sound glum but also trying to write about how I feel. I am not feeling sorry for myself, at least trying not to. Just kind of far away and sad. This may never be a good month for me anymore.

      October 8, 2009 at 5:00 pm

  2. Lisa Curran

    i didn’t think you were
    complaining, just thought you were writing down your thoughts and feelings.Hang in there.

    October 9, 2009 at 2:56 pm

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