As the bell sounds the fighter tries to remeber what round this is.
“I worship God as Truth only. I have not yet found Him, but I am seeking after Him.”
-Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi-
The struggle continues. I have this dark place and I go to it almost on instinct when I hurt. It’s not nice, it’s painful and it’s a cold, lonely place to be. But man it is comforting. I know that place well. I thrive in there. I am the destroyer and the eater of life. I not only take myself there but I drag anyone foolish or uninformed enough to stand too close with me. Now I know I sound like some pensive angsty warble. Or a teenager who is dressed in black and convinced the have some existential vision. But I am not…Well maybe pensive and angsty. I just find myself doing what any wounded animal does, I race back to the safest place I know. I den or burrow and I hide. Just like an animal with no knowledge of man’s intentions. I cannot understand the bulldozer that is tearing apart my safety, my home. Digging up my hole. As corny as it sounds I am wounded. And I am not seeing. I just know that time and the hand of God and fate is tearing apart where I hide. There has been so much, so, so much I have seen, done and felt that has left me so far away. So much feeling like an alien.
How do I speak to you, to anyone about my experiences? There are places and things that just don’t fit in everyday discussion. People want to talk about weather and the score of the game the night before. Or they want to offer some little saying or reassurance. When I speak and it feels so distant in my priorities and my emotions. How do you believe in dreams when you have seen places where dreams die everyday? How do you believe in love when you’ve seen it decay and fall away? How can you believe in life when you’ve not wanted your own for a long time?
So I struggle. Someone asks me “Hey how’s it going?” and I reply “Aw it’s okay, toughing it out.” and I give a manly nod that mimes resilience, manhood and self-sufficiency. When in truth I want to say sometimes “It’s a fight goddamnit! I can’t find a way to win and I can’t find my fucking mind because it ran off on me years ago and my heart hurts and I am in love with ghosts of people who aren’t there anymore and I am lonely and I miss my child and I haven’t eaten in days and I cry all the time and I want someone, anyone to grab me and hold me to the ground because feel like the laws of nature, justice and gravity have left me behind. And I layed in bed last night trying to fall asleep and I couldn’t stop the noise in my head and all of it was saying to me you’ll never feel joy again and you’ll never love again. And I jump out of bed and turn the radio or television on to hide the noise and then laid down again and wondered what method of suicide would offer the best odds of success. That’s how it’s fucking going, now do you want to talk about the traffic?”
But I don’t, I hint at or express some vague need or I talk out a million words too fast that I come across as insane and neurotic. And then I move on. I go back into myself. I realize that the person probably is walking away thinking ‘Boy that guy is a wreck. I’m glad he has walked away. I’m glad it’s not me’ yeah I know as a matter of what is polite and decent you don’t admit to thinking that. And certainly don’t admit to saying that. But I see it in your face and eyes. I carry this big ugly Quasimodo curse and I have come to know the signs and signals. Most people are pretty bad poker players and I can read the face. Bluffing does no good.
So that leaves me standing alone. And I search out God here. I wait for him and call to him. I am trying to learn from others how they find him and how the strengthen their faith. But truth be told many people get the Bible and the Church in the way of their faith. The core and natural need all humans have to know greater to seek God. To connect with the universe. Don’t think so? Then go ahead and read the blogs of 90% of the Christians on the net. They’re all about quotes, dissection and analysis. They are all trying so hard to dig deeper into a word or a phrase. To find some secret knowledge. And never does it seem that faith comes into it until the closing paragraph where they add some “Glory to God” statement. And try to make it relevant. So I don’t get much from that. And in person people are sometimes the same. Or the well meaning speak words meant to comfort and re-assure and it doesn’t it just makes me wonder ‘Why God are you there in them and not in me? What am I doing wrong?’ and I got a good pastor that will tell me I am stubborn and I up putting up a fight. He may be right but if God has the power and strength they say he does then maybe he can knock away my defense and come in at me like Jack Dempsey or Muhammed Ali. Come on God! You want to hit me, then let’s get in the ring. Throw a punch! Knock me down! I want you to win man! I will throw the fight.
Maybe that’s it. that’s all there is. Just me and God and I am facing him off now. It’s a new thing and feels strange. But facing off fate and the fight of spirit are not new. I’ve stood down the Devil a couple times and he has kicked my ass a few more. He’s left a few scars to remind me where I’ve been. Now I am standing in an open place and there is God before me, what do I do? How do I go? I want life, I want to remember the things I was and I want walk among the living. No more ghosts. No more war. I want lay down my arms and surrender.
These are the things I pray for. And things I curse for. It’s a daily swing back and forth. And I am so very tired.
Do you dig? Can you understand? Am I just a broken radio that you can’t tune?