Well you can’t hit a homerun everyday!

“If I ventured in the slipstream
Between the via-ducts of your dreams
Where immobile steel rims crack
And the ditch in the back roads stop
Could you find me
Would you kiss-a my eyes
Lay me down
In silence easy
To be born again
To be born again
To be born again
In another world
In another world
In another time
Got a home on high
Ain’t nothing but a stranger in this world
I’m nothing but a stranger in this world”

-from Astral Weeks by Van Morrison-

Fatherhood is my agenda today, so this will be brief. It’s hard to focus on much else when you’ve got a two year old fussing. And I kind of like it that way. I figure if I make her the focus and center of my world she’ll grow to be a woman who expects the same treatment from others too. As long as I balance it with faith and humility it will come out alright. As a father it’s my job to love her like there is no one else in the world. So that when she goes off into the wild and finds men to know and maybe love, she’ll never accept anything but the most sincere and complete hearts. I cringe at the thought of her growing. But I shudder and am slightly horrified to think she would find a man anything like me. A broken, machine-man who has a twisted heart and eyes that look past and away. I never want her to feel that loneliness. The loneliness I have left in the hands of the women I have been with. And the feelings of loss that come from giving to me things I haven’t respected or appreciated. I guess I just want better than what fate may have given her had I not become…Something…I don’t really know. Just something better.

Poverty is a big thing for me right now. I haven’t got two nickles to rub together. Quite literally. And so I sort of miss being frivolous. Or spending money just to do something fun. I haven’t been to a movie in over a year. And I haven’t eaten at a restaurant in about that time too. But mostly I haven’t had the money to spoil my daughter once in a while. To just go and get her some silly toy or game because getting surprises is always fun. But giving them is even better. The town I am in was hit hard bt the economic collapse. And so there is not much in the way of work and I am looking. But I have had little luck so far. Being unable to do for my child makes this search all the more frustrating. But that sounds like whining. Maybe I could win a lottery. Except I can’t afford a ticket. Or maybe I’ll find out I had a rich uncle who left to me a small fortune? Nah! All my uncles are regular guys…Well mostly.

So I am sort of scattered today. But I’m okay. It’s okay. I’ll get by. Least I have to believe that. Or it’s all for naught.

Be well. Send money and love.


2 responses

  1. Crissa

    You may not believe it now, but Ruby is so blessed to have you as her daddy!

    October 17, 2009 at 11:36 pm

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