Whispering in the din.
Haven’t written in a couple days. I’ve been caught in a combination of having a two-year old daughter in my care and an inability to focus my thoughts and feelings enough to write effectively. I feel like a cloud of smoke, just being pushed and moved by the wind and not having much recourse.
And underneath this all is a sadness. I want to give my child everything and I am unable to give her anything, at least in a tangible sense. I am struggling with poverty and feeling inadequate and disgusted with myself. And then beneath that is the feeling that no matter how great things are and how good a father I am, I have to give her back to her mom. And every damn time I do that it breaks my heart. It makes me cry and I can’t stand the empty rooms she leaves behind. When she is with me every room is filled with light and life. And when she goes it’s like having that all turned out. I want to never say goodbye but I do it far too often.
And sadly I am sensing a depression bout settling on me. And it’s always a fight to get out. It’s a bitch. And it drains me and eats my faith and hope. I get to dark places. And someday I feel like I may not come back. I don’t know what to do to prevent these spells, they feel inevitable. Like trying to wish away the weather. It just comes and you can’t do anything about it.
Sorry there isn’t more to say. Maybe tomorrow. Be good, be kind and be well.