These past few days I’ve been thinking about what I want for myself and my daughter. Sort of daydreaming cautiously. And I have come to realize my wishes and hopes are pretty simple. And humble. Honestly most of what I want and hope for is stuff you may have already and have had for a while. I just sort of got behind things, my life being what it was.
First and probably most important to me is that I want Ruby to be proud of me. To do something with my life that when she gets old enough to wonder who I am, she can say proudly “My Daddy is…”. And I want to support her and sometimes spoil her. And I to be the best everything I can be. So that she can never question that I did all I could. But mostly I want to love her more and bigger than anyone else in the world. So that when she ventures out into the big world on her own she’ll know what real love is and what real gratitude and respect is and she’ll never settle for anything less. No half-measure will be enough for herself or from anybody she may let in.
But more immediate, I want to return to school. And to that effect I am taking steps right now. Working at something just because they’ll hire me just won’t do anymore. I want to do something I choose.And I want to be proud of myself.
And I want to find a little place for Ruby and me. Just a nice two bedroom place where Ruby can have her own room, her own place to belong to with me. A little bed and toy boxes and whatever else she wants to feel at home. And a room for me. No more roommate. I just want to make a space that is ours and we can feel like it is home. Kind of silly a wish for someone my age. Most folks by now have at least that.
Then I want to have enough, enough to eat, enough to afford to live on. Enough to go grocery shopping and buy what I like and what she wants. Not just what I can afford, which never seems to be enough. I want enough money that if on a Saturday afternoon if we want we can go to a movie, maybe go have ice cream or order a pizza and watch a DVD. And maybe it’s not the best reason but I want to spoil her. Her to be frivolous and surprise her with things just to make her smile. A trip to an amusement park, a goofy toy or some pile of cool craft things to be creative. It isn’t wealth I want. I want security and a sense of fulfillment
Right now I am living in poverty, hand to mouth. After today I am not sure what I ll do to get by. Fortunately Ruby is at her mother’s and I need not worry about her. Not till later this week. I have nothing at all. I am in the red in my bank. Finding work here has been impossible. And with all the craziness of the last while I have just sheltered myself and hidden away from the world. Licking wounds and trying to get through the grief of losing my family, losing my relationship and maybe even my mind. And only lately have I felt able to step back out into the world. So it’s time, not just because I am flat busted broke. But because I am more sure I can cope and commit.
But boy it’s so damn scary to hope, to feel excited or look forward to anything. After losing so much and losing so painfully the feeling of hope sort of feels like being set up for loss and grief, disappointment. I guess faith falls in here. Believing God wants good for me and that I will be okay and my little girl will be okay. Prayer and trust I guess.
So please pray for me, wish me luck over the next while and send good vibes my way.
Oh and send money!
Be well, be love.