Looking out a window at an endless night.


“Hanging by a string
Losing everything
Praying for the end to begin
So I can begin to begin again”

– Matthew Ryan –
My last entry set up where I am. Emotionally and mentally. Not much has changed. Except my sense of isolation has gotten deeper and has been made to feel justified. I see things and hear things and encounter people who make me want to turn inside out. Just slam tight the doors and wait till they go away like some foul tempered storm or a bad smell.

My room is my refuge and my prison. My anxiety increases in multiples every step from it I get. And I want to do nothing but run back to it.

Tomorrow I am to start a new job. Finding a job here is not easy and it’s nothing to sniff at. Of course it’s doing what I used to do and I am not too excited about it. And it is at a good time. I haven’t eaten much or at all in weeks because I have no money or what little I did have went to my daughter and her care and her needs when she is with me. This is not good for me. And it won’t be for a few weeks. I am going to have to work without a lunch and probably nothing much when I get home. Not a good thing since it is operating machinery and dealing with some dangerous situations. But why am I whining?

To be honest I’d rather not go. I’d rather just disappear. Go away and never come back.

I’ve been thinking about reincarnation, I think maybe it would be nice to end this and try again. Start over with greater knowledge and the wisdom to keep to myself and not suffer these hurts again.

Maybe I keep this blog going because I want something that says I was here and I was real. Something that had substance. Maybe to be understood. The most basic human need I suppose.

Shit….So glum. I’m sorry. This is why my writing has slowed. These things are getting in on me.

Wishing I was anywhere but here. But too afraid to step outside.

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5 responses

  1. Lisa Curran

    Hang in there. You Have A Job !!!!! Money in the future to give Ruby what she needs. No more worry as to where diapers will come from, the privilege of walking into a store and buying whatever catches your eye for her. Yes, 3 more hard weeks but such a short time compared to a lifetime of Ruby. You have lived on very little and are still here to tell about it, now think how good that first paycheck will feel. Do not let the anxiety win, you are a fighter. On a different note I missed seeing you at church today, I will be praying for your first day to go well.

    December 6, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    • Thanks Lisa.

      As for church…I am most likely not returning. It seems even that can be turned into a club to strike me with.

      December 6, 2009 at 8:30 pm

  2. Don’t ever stop writing. In the end, it will help you make sense of things when nothing else does.

    Live to fight another day, my friend.

    December 7, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    • Thanks Megan. Sometimes writing is the only thing that makes sense.

      December 8, 2009 at 10:05 pm

  3. Dude, I’ve been there. It sucks, I know. But Hell, if I made it thru that shit, anyone can. Chin up! It’s all about your daughter.

    December 9, 2009 at 2:20 pm

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