Ghosts of Christmas past and the gifts they give.
I have not been writing here as much as I’d like. I have been working a lot and am up early and really tired by the time I get home. The joys of being a blue-collar semi-skilled worker. I’m glad to have found a job and do it to the best of my ability. But I sure am not overly stimulated in it.
And this time of year really is tough for me too. I feel the falling apart of my relationships and my past most acutely at Christmas time. And I really want to make it special for my child but it seems like it’s only making due. And I get sad that I can’t be there for the whole thing or her mom cannot either.
But it was also my Dad’s favorite time of year was Christmas. He went all out and genuinely enjoyed himself and got such a kick from gift giving and being together. So I associate much of this time of year with him. This is only the third since he died. The first one was so soon after the death that we were all in shock and sort of numb and it hadn’t really sunk in. The second one I spent away from everyone. So this one is sort of the first one where I am present and feeling. It’s hard. I know my Dad would have been so happy with his grandkids and seeing them get big and he would have got them all kinds of silly gifts and probably had more fun than them playing with them. The loss just feels so much bigger right now.
I am feeling pretty okay with my life right now. I just feel lonesome and I am missing people who aren’t here.
Hope your life is doing you well right now and giving you all the joy Christmas can.
Be well. Be love.