An Earned Wisdom
“For a man to attain to an eminent degree in learning costs him time, watching, hunger, nakedness, dizziness in the head, weakness in the stomach, and other inconveniences. “
– Miguel de Cervantes –
As much as it feels awkward to admit. Next month I turn….Well I get older. Older than many of you who may be reading this. Older than I feel and most certainly older than I look (thanks Dad for the genetic gift) and older than I want to be.
And I am feeling more isolated. I have found that I solely enjoy the company of one or two people in my life and the rest I can do without. And I can attribute it to wisdom. Or lack of wisdom to be more exact. There are so many people out there that exist as nothing more than flesh-bags. There is no benefit of experience. No well-worn denim skin. Nothing in them to show that the time they have lived has imparted in them a depth or even a gratitude. Entitlement and selfishness seem to motivate them. And so I find myself disgusted and feeling isolated.
I try, I really try to connect. I try to understand and be tolerant. But those things feel close to respect and I really don’t respect them. I don’t think simply having a heartbeat that is occurring in a more or less rhythmic state for an extended period is not a quality that makes me feel respect is warranted. Now that probably makes me sound arrogant and elitist but I am not either. In fact I am the opposite. I am too fucking sensitive for my own good. I am anxious and emotional. I feel so damn much sometimes that I cannot bear to be close to these people. They’re all elbows, knees, edges and corners, stabbing at me and making me feel foolish and even weak. I see so much that makes me sad, so much that makes me ache and often my own meditations and thought are enough to make me cry. How he hell am I suppose to be what I am and exist in your boastful and petty world? Even now as I type this I feel far too exposed, far too vulnerable.
But what cools me most. What makes me turn away. Is the fact that they EXPERIENCE NOTHING! It seems the just put the time in to events and occurrences and then include it on their resume. No process or depth. They just don’t absorb. They don’t cure and age and gain a flavour and taste. They bear through just to say they did.
Come on! Live man! It’s so simple…Live, open your window and let that shit in. Good, bad and fucking unbearably painful and beautiful. It’s a hard life. It is…It’s not easy…And it isn’t glamorous. But it’s a worthy experience. If you just fucking let it happen. It is not suppose top be convenient, rosy or as they would have you believe from feminine hygiene commercials romantic and lovely even when you bleed. You are not supposed to run from the dark. The dark is there to give you light. It’s not karmic wisdom, it’s truth. You can’t shine till you step to the black. You ain’t a candle till you burn a little.
Then you can be. Be something fucking amazing. Something strong and something to behold. An old warrior and a traveler. I’ll buy you a beer and we’ll look into each other’s old and ancient eyes and say nothing. What will there be left to say? Two soldiers back from war. And if you need to weep and hurt I’ll give you an arm and a shoulder. I wouldn’t ever forsake the incredible honor of shared grief. Because in that moment we a chrome solid strength. We can stand like statues against the ages. We’ve bled together.
Youth, it’s just that youth. If you are young and reading this. I appreciate you. I do, I fucking envy you too. I miss my youth, fuck, fight and out goes the light. But let me give you a tip. Live it now. Earn your scars, let them mark you, hang your rank on your sleeve with pride. But for fuck sake! Quit trying to be deep. Quit trying to be wounded. Quit trying to be wise. You are not…You are not suppose to be. You are supposed to be hungry, horny and willing to experience. Nothing else. Time will make whatever it wants. Like erosion against a rocky shore, ain’t nothing you can do to speed it up or to stop it. I see so many of you trying to sound so old, so clever and so mythical. You big dummies! Have fun., have heartache, have a big fucking meal. Live. Live now. That’s all. As the old adage goes “Youth is wasted on the young”, guess it’s true.
So here I am. Contemplating another year. And finding my scar tissue and wisdom have started to become an earned treasure. My tired eyes that look so far away some days…I earned them man. I did! My hands that hurt all the time and can’t move too good because of old wounds and busted bones. I earned that ache. I deserve it. When I can look at someone and know that they are a void and not worth too much sweat or time. I earned that discernment. If you love me, if you want to be close, if I seem to have some depth or some substance that matters. It is only because I earned it.
And not once did I stare out into a sunset, quaint body of water or at the floor. Never once did I sit in big comfy chairs in a coffee shop or some martini bar in a major urban center. And I can’t recall if I ever resolved any of my major issues, faults or failures in 30 minutes including breaks for advertising and station identification.
Don’t buy the Hollywood life. Don’t do it…Honest. And listening to some indie band and reading some obscure (often shite) author and pretending that there are not a million just like you is not being unique…It’s just being another one of the desperate.
Want to know how to be? To be real? Go out and roll in the dirt, smell the shit, love like a madman, give that other person your whole heart, to hell with caution! Let yourself fall into the madness and the risk. You may end up being that epic love song, but not after three weeks…Listen just go, go like you can’t stop. When you get there, you’ll find two things.
One: You are brilliant beautiful and burned chrome. You may not be pretty when you get there. But it won’t matter anyway. Them that can see will adore you.
Two: You’ll be more lonely than you ever have known. Because them that see….Well they’re few and far between. Experience may temper you. But it will isolate you. Life will make you wise, but it will leave you knowing things that you will not share. It is inevitable.
Oh and hey…For my birthday…I gladly accept gift cards!