Lost my drivin’ wheel


“Well I just came up on the midnight special how about that?
My car broke down in Texas she stopped dead in her tracks.
Just called to tell you that I need you,
Just called to tell you how I feel.
I feel like some old engine lost my drivin’ wheel,
Feel like some old engine lost my drivin’ wheel.”

– Roger McGuinn –

Sometimes I figure it got  made out so I just can’t find the right way up. There is never a solid spot to stand for too long. Like standing in the middle of a rushing river, you may be in one place but all that goes around you changes and moves. No matter what you do. I mean this not to be too melodramatic. Just saying that these old ghosts and the new ones that tie themselves to them never stay quiet too long.

Okay man, I’ll stay back from the metaphor truck. Homespun wisdom is pretty easy to do when it’s done at arms length…Shit! That one slipped out.

So I got a punch or two in the gut the past couple weeks. Maybe it’s just life letting me know I ain’t made to win. Just made to be out there in the ring for the fight. I’m going to be out there for all the rounds and when it comes down to win or lose, well it will up to the judges to decide. I feel tired, I feel used up and I feel skinned raw. Goodbyes are far more common than hellos and betrayal, hurt and the politics of love and distance are just a way of living.

You know yesterday was the 30th anniversary of Ian Curtis’ death. I know this because I got a massive influx of visits to this blog, I have written about him before and for some reason Google indexes my blog by Ian Curtis’s name. And I spent some time meditating on his choice, his decision to leave. And I just can’t fault him. You know I can’t fault anyone for making that big step. I once read some thinker write about suicide as the only one true liberty anyone can take. I guess he had his reasons. I have mine too….I just sort of linger. Maybe someday I won’t. In fact if I were a betting man I’d say I won’t. It’s just a door. And opening it makes sense sometimes. Like laying down when it’s time to sleep. Running on empty can only go on so long. Then it’s time to rest.

Fuck ain’t that a dark thing. Well it’s honest and you know what man? I am sick of people who ain’t honest. I am sick of niceties and being polite. It seems a man can’t talk to no one no more in life. Lest you offend their sensibilities and beliefs. Or you say the wrong thing and hurt their feelings. That making it all better ain’t about some fucked up poem printed on a picture of  a beach. And there is always someone trying to tell you they know just how you feel. When it is quite clear from the empty looks and tainted smells they haven’t a clue. You want to know who knows how I feel? Hank Williams knows, when he laid down in the back of that Cadillac and never got up. He knew just what I feel. Henry Rollins knows what I feel. When he writes about the agony of trying to reach out only to break the wrist that reaches back and the bug spray smelling rooms. He knows. Charles Bukowski knew, when he wrote about the losers, the bums and the dying beauty. He knew. And the guy you cast your sideways glance at as you roll by in your hermetically sealed, air-conditioned rolling iron. He knows…He’s me. I ain’t even the kind you’d think twice about as you pass by onto something more important.

I’ve seen enough of the world. More than most. I’ve seen things could make you sore with grief and things that could take your breath away. I have known secrets that mean more than anything you’ll ever find in your little world. I am the animal/machine, the last of the hardcore troubadours. And maybe I just don’t want to know any more…Maybe I am at the point in the trip where I can say that there is no port in the storm and the storm never really calms, it just rolls back a little and gives you time to bail the boat.

What the fuck am I trying to say??? Maybe I am just sad, maybe I am lonely, maybe I am tired of playing this game.

Here’s a story, it’ll maybe make you see…

When I was 10 my family drove across Canada to visit my Grandparents out on the west coast from our home in Toronto. We had a camper van and were making a real road trip of it. My dad spent weeks planning and was just as excited as my brother and I. We were going to stop at all kinds of places along the way and he planned time to take little break and picnic or sight-see. Well we reached the shores of Lake Superior. And there was this pretty park with rivers going through it and waterfalls too. It was a hot day and so my brother and I set into the river above a waterfalls that was about 25 feet high and then off the water rushed into the great lake. We soon found that there were rocks worn smooth and the rushing waters would sweep you down these little chutes, it was like an ancient old water slide.

Being the kid who never knew how to be careful or scared I kept searching for a longer and faster ride. Until I finally found one that gor hold of me and blew me through like a wave. I went down it once and then got to the shore and made my way over to some stones above it and went down again. Only this time I missed my jump off point. And suddenly I saw I was headed for the falls. And there was no handhold or place to pull out of. I was so quickly filled with dread I couldn’t react. And it was then I heard from about 100 feet away “Jeffery, relax! stay upright!” it was my father and in some act of bravery and strength I have never seen before or since he was walking into the river against the current toward me as I rushed to the edge. “Take it easy boy, I’ll get you. It’s okay.” he said in a clear and calm voice. And I believed it like it was the voice of God himself. And almost like walking on a downtown sidewalk he was there behind me. He reached down and wrapped an arm under my arms and across my chest and in my ear he said “C’mon boy, get to your feet, I’ll lead you out of here.”

And he held me up and then braced me until I walked to the river’s edge. When we got there I turned to him in shock and he looked at me and said “Geez kid, I thought we were going to lose you. Are you okay?” all I could muster was a nod and just like nothing ever happened he said “Okay get up the river and get your towel, we got to go.”

Years later he told me he shook like a leaf for hours afterward, but I have no memory of that. Not at all. I just remember that my dad was there in time and strong enough to pull me to safety.
And I think maybe I feel like that kid again and I am in this river and I have lost my footing, the current is pulling me and the edge gets closer all the time. And all I want is to feel my dad’s arm slip beneath mine and hear that voice “C’mon boy…I’ll lead you out of here.”

But just like everything else, he’s gone. And I am here on my own…Barely keeping my head above the water. Almost at the falls.

Be well.

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4 responses

  1. You know what’s tragic? We don’t like much of the same music. That absolutely breaks my heart, because music is eyes to the soul or whatever, and it seems like I should like everything you like, but I don’t. But that’s ok.

    The point of this is that I am now going to talk about Francis Bean. If you don’t love her dad, then, well, I don’t think you would because we don’t love the same stuff, but again, still ok. But when he left, Francis Bean’s dad said something like, “she’ll be better off without me.”

    I guarantee that Francis Bean never once thought she was better off without him. Even if her dad was a weak, drug-addled, whiny whatever, there is no way in hell that she was better off because he left. It was lazy and selfish.

    Don’t be lazy and selfish.

    I want to tell you that there still is a Dad who’s got his arm around you, but you don’t want to hear that tonight. So I won’t.

    I don’t know. I could ramble for hours. I’m not really much of a talker, so I won’t, but ya know. The world needs your voice too much to even say that out loud. We appreciate the honesty, but you are lying to yourself, and to us, if you ever, ever again say that anybody is better off without you.

    May 19, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    • Actually I love Cobain.

      Man I ain’t lazy and selfish. I am far from it.

      My Dad died on the night of October 22/23 2007, there is no other father, no metaphysical force, no invisible super-being, no meticulously thought out cosmic force….That’s lazy and weak. That is the hiding place of those who are afraid to bleed a little and take the hit.

      But I ain’t here to argue theology with anyone….Or the need for faith. But my father killed God and I can too. I am stronger.

      May 20, 2010 at 4:25 am

      • But now, instead of being just sad, you are sad and a little annoyed at me.

        Who’s the best e-shrink ever? Yeah that’s right.

        I’d say my work here is done.

        May 20, 2010 at 9:56 am

      • You recently asked in a post somewhere why people un-friended you?

        Do you think maybe this might be why?

        I thought about this response and chose to say it this way then to reply in some obscenity laden tirade.

        Just to be clear, I am not annoyed by your comment. I am irritated by your level of ignorance. This is the second post I have written that you are flippant and disrespectful in your comments.

        You seem to be an okay person, but you need to cool it.

        May 24, 2010 at 11:18 am

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